Real Women Love Martha

by : Kristin Johnson

Martha Stewart will make sugar cookies and a whopping pitcher of lemonade out of lemons after she’s finished serving her sentence at “Camp Cupcake" and house arrest.


Let’s look beyond the “she said/she didn’t say" particulars.,, and other Web sites indicate that Ms. Stewart is not the most hated woman in America.


Despite all the jokes about Martha passed on the Internet and by Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien/Jay Leno (pick on John Kerry instead, please), real women do love Martha.

Feminists, who conveniently remained silent while a largely male conspiracy degraded a strong, independent, successful woman, often derided Martha as setting an impossible and unrealistic standard of perfection.

You want to talk unrealistic? The media portrays the ideal woman as size 2 with breast implants. And the marketing machine pretends Britney Spears can sing and Jessica Simpson actually has something to say worth listening to.

But aren’t we supposed to be beyond those traditional feminine roles?

Hey, weren’t the feminists saying that Woman is all-nurturing and any labor that comes from Womyn’s hands is superior to (cough) males of any race but especially white males?

No wonder they love John Kerry. Like Senator Flip-Flop, they want to have it all ways. And they conveniently find a way to blame Martha’s jail term on President Bush and those bad old white males in the Republican party. Methinks the ladies do protest too much. Maybe feeling awkward about their own domestic skills? Guilty over a standard they themselves repudiate? Afraid of their own feminine urges to make crepe paper decorations and make a cake?

Real women bake pies, goes to Spa, shop all day long. Or choose not to--that’s fine. Real women decorate for Christmas. Real women garden. Real women can be difficult to work with, the same as the real men. People just notice it more when the refusal to compromise comes from a pair of size seven high heels. But hey, even Dennis Rodman and RuPaul got away with that.

And speaking of athletes, real women know that it’s not okay for people who dribble a ball all day to get billions of dollars a year while people like Martha who embody the American Dream, who give us products that actually enrich our lives instead of hours of mindless television and sports talk, get a prison sentence. The entire NBA has been in prison. I don’t see anyone threatening to stop buying Nikes and Air Jordans.

Real women bake cookies. It’s a no-brainer: Chocolate chips! As in, chocolate chip cookies! Which, by the way, the male of the species has also been known to eat. It’s interesting to note that half the messages and letters on are from men.

Real women bake for Christmas. We know you’re out there. So show your support and send your recipes (do not send gifts or packages of any kind) to:

Martha Stewart
Register No. 55170-054
FPC Alderson
Glen Ray Road, Box A
Alderson, W. Va. 24910 Send your Hints from Real Women, because Martha will make a comeback.