Quitting smoking is a real pain, trust me. If you've never smoked before, don't just assume it's a matter of tossing out your cigs and being done with it. It's a lot more complicated. I just turned 40 and had been thinking over what the next stage of my life would be like and I came do a decision: I want to be healthier. And the smokes would have to be the first to go. But though the resolution is easy to make, carrying it out is much tougher.
I tried everything, the gum, the patch and even quitting cold turkey, but nothing seemed to work. It didn't help that I wasn't merely a casual smoker, but a 3 pack a day chain-smoking maniac. I decided to go to my friend Laura for advice. Laura had been smoking for 30 years-ever since she turned 4- and she somehow managed to quit the habit entirely, without any relapses. One day when I felt a craving for some that aromatic goodness, I jumped in my car and drove over to her apartment.
"Ok, I'm at my wits end," I said, "Tell me Laura, how did you do it?"
She smiled and told me:
"Ok, this is my method. One day I took my life savings out of the bank in cash and gave it to my friend Andrew. Every time I went a day without smoking, he'd give me $20 back."
"And it worked?" I asked.
"Well, there were some days that that I craved a cig more than a pile of money, but in the end I pulled through."
This seemed like a good idea, so I thought of something which was really important to me: my car. Now, other than a few puffs of the 'ol cancer stick, there's nothing I love more than my restored cherry red Mustang. So I handed over the title to Laura and with the understanding that she would give it back if I went 3 months without a single cigarette. The plan didn't last long. As I was leaving Laura's, she caught me on her porch lighting up a Cuban cigar.
"It's only been 30 seconds!" she exclaimed.
"But this isn't a cigarette, it's a stogie! There's a world of difference."
Laura looked disgusted and handed back the car title.
"You're too far gone man. I don't think I can help you."
She turned and went back into the house leaving me unsure of what to do next. I stared guiltily at my Mustang. I had almost lost it, and all because of a certain leaf...
"Ok," I thought to myself. "Smoking is a psychological as well as physiological addiction. What I need is a hypnotist."
So I then went to our town's most renowned hypnotist, Dr. Reginald Gonzo. He listened very attentively to my problems and said he thought he had the solution. I lay on his couch and started taking deep breaths. "I will put you into a deep trance," he said. I fell under the spell and was soon under. Dr. Gonzo then messed with my mind, substituting one habit for another.
"Every time you get a craving to smoke, you will instead do what you most love," he chanted. "Rather than light up, you will jump in your car, floor the gas and drive like hell."
