The Hazards of Online Dating

By: Jimmy Plant


After breaking up with my girlfriend I was starting to feel very alone. There were several weekends where I wouldn't even hang out with my buddies because I just didn't feel like leaving the house. Then my friend Tim gave me an idea.

"It's the year 2008 man!" he said, "You have to get with the times. If you don't want to leave your house to meet someone, you can just go online!"

I was skeptical of online dating, but Tim promised results, and he showed me several sites that he himself had set up. The first one was for mail-order German brides.

"We're having a two for one sale today only!" he cried. "And shipping is free!"

"I'll pass," I said

So he showed me another website where I quickly found what seemed to be the perfect girl. Her name was Michelle. She was about my age, with a great body and similar interests. On top of this she was a former beauty queen, a PhD, and in her spare time she tutored troubled inner-city youth.

"Wow!" I said, "Her other hobbies are drinking beer, watching Chargers games, and belching! She sounds amazing!"

And with a few clicks I had set up a date with my dream girl.

When Friday rolled around I was very excited. We had set up to meet at a small cafe near my house. I wore my coolest duds and cologne, and made sure to arrive five minutes early.

"I'm here to meet Michelle for a hot date," I told the head waiter. He gave me a funny look and led me to a table.

"Hi sexy," said a gruff voice, "They call me Michelle."

Before stood the speaker-an ugly and horrifying apparition- emitting a terrible stench. And most obviously, he was a man. A beer belly spilled out from under his shirt and a single tooth protruded from his rotting gums.

I shrieked and ran through the cafe, dodging waiters and overturning tables in my haste. Patrons screamed as I pushed them aside and with a running leap crashed through a glass window to the street outside.

Bloodied and winded, I sat up on the sidewalk and looked around me, feeling trapped in a nightmare. I looked up in horror.

Out of the cafe's wreckage, "Michelle" lumbered out towards me.

"I love it when you play hard to get," he called.

I found the strength to shriek again and run off down the street with Michelle in pursuit. I was heading toward a dead end and I knew only an act of god would save me.

"Don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful!" Michelle shouted.

Suddenly I heard an engine roar next to me. A pickup truck had pulled up to my left.

"Quick! Hop in!" yelled the driver. Gratefully, I dove in and with another roar we drove off, leaving Michelle in the dust. I turned to look at the driver and I was shocked. It was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen! Already, I felt a strong bond between us forming.

"Thanks for saving me," I said. "What's your name."

"Michelle," she answered, and for the third time that day I shrieked and passed out.

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