Peaceful transitions is probably a misnomer. I'll tell anyone I meet that I don't "do" transitions well. With changes I'm trying to make from the inside as well as changing what I do as a career, there's transition - not an old friend, but one I need to learn to like instead of treating as my enemy.
My daughter Kathryn has the same problem with transition and has from the first days of preschool. Her teacher told us, "Kathryn is fine once she's involved in an activity. The problem is when we change from one activity to another. It's not that she doesn't like the new activity, just that it's different from the current one."
We've seen this behavior manifest itself over the years. I cringe during the holidays because Kathryn's good behavior disappears, and Evil Kathryn emerges. I am talking with tongue firmly implanted in my cheek, but only just. She can't handle the excitement of the holidays as well as the break in routine. One day we're out looking at Christmas lights, and another day we might be putting up the train. Definite breaks from routine.
With the onset of school, we have the same thing, and as Kathryn started fifth grade, I held my breath. The first few days went fine. "Yay!!!!!" my husband and I celebrated.
Then came the kicker: a family wedding and the opportunity to see lots of family, some of whom we haven't seen in a long time. Plus, it would be the first wedding my daughters have experienced.
All this proved to be too much excitement, and we saw EK (Evil Kathryn, remember?) emerge.
Let me explain what we see here in the Goldberg household when EK comes for a visit.
Mommy: "Kathryn, can you please put away your backpack?"
Kathryn: "I did."
Mommy, staring at backpack on floor and definitely not anywhere near a state of being put away: "No, it's right here on the stool. Please put it away."
Kathryn, yelling: "I did put it away!!!!"
Mommy, patiently: "Kathryn, don't scream at me, and no, you did not put it away."
Kathryn: "I didn't scream at you. I yelled at you."
Mommy, exasperated: "Kathryn, put away your backpack."
Kathryn: "Why?"
Mommy: "Because it's not supposed to go on the floor, and you're supposed to put it away."
Kathryn, wailing: "How am I supposed to do my homework without my backpack?"
Mommy: "You can still use your backpack. Just put the backpack on the hook."
Kathryn: "Why aren't you telling Anastasia to put her backpack away."
Mommy, with definite headache: "Because she already put it away, and I'm talking to you. Put away your backpack. End of discussion."
Kathryn, screaming: "Why????!!!! Why won't you let me talk to you????? What did I do wrong? I don't understand!!!! Why are you mad at me????" Repeat about five times.
I'm sure some of you out there have red pen in hand and are circling the areas where I went wrong. Believe me, I know, and I'm working on them. Number one rule for Dawn is to NOT ENGAGE.
Here's what we've figured out. Kathryn has so much pressure on her (in 5th grade the teachers are really stressing how responsible the 5th graders need to be in order to prepare for middle school next year), and she works very hard to control herself in school. Once she comes home where it feels safe, she lets down all her barriers. Our pediatrician once said (and I'm sure I've said this before in one of these articles) that kids act out because the world is too big, and they need limits. They misbehave so that we'll enforce those limits, and then they feel safe.
Oy. Can't the child just come home and say, "Dearest Mother, I'm feeling overwhelmed by the big, bad world. Can you help me put limits on it to make it seem safer?"
So, we try not to engage. When we engage, we give Kathryn an outlet for her uncomfortable feelings, yes, but it's not giving her a chance to figure out what's going on in her own head. She needs to find constructive ways to figure out what she's feeling first and then find constructive ways to deal with it.
Easier said than done. Kathryn isn't a true girl, it seems. She's a bit more like her father. She hasn't a clue in her bright head about what she's feeling, whereas I and her little sister can tell you on a nanosecond's notice about what's going on in our heads and hearts. And, get this, we can also probably tell you about what's going on with Daddy and Kathryn.
We've tried to coach her that when she notices that she's getting into trouble, it's probably because there's something uncomfortable going on. We've suggested that she journal about it, play the piano, talk to us (as long as she's in an emotional place where she can do that without treating us disrespectfully), or listen to music. She's working on it, and I hope we're giving her tools she can use the rest of her life.
We're also setting and sticking to limits. We've always been firm believers in being consistent, so if we say we're going to do something, then by gosh and by golly, we do it.
As an example, Kathryn planned a play date with her best friend who is in a different class this year. They don't get to see each other as much, and Kathryn's been missing her friend. However, EK came for a visit, and after Kathryn called her sister a big fat liar, we warned her that one more instance of bad behavior would result in the play date being cancelled. We probably should have cancelled right away just based on the name calling, but we wanted Kathryn to see her friend, too. Not one full minute later, Kathryn squeezes through this space where her sister was standing instead of walking around the other side of the sofa like a sensible person, and then proceeded to yell at Anastasia for tripping her. We had to cancel the play date.
The weird thing? Kathryn's behavior immediately improved. And the next day, the day in which she should have had the play date, her behavior was excellent. In addition, there was no mention of the lost play date.
So, to recap, here's what we do to handle these behaviors:
- Make sure we let Kathryn know what's going on. If something out of the ordinary comes up and she's prepared, she's better able to handle it.
- Do not engage EK.
- Be patient.
- Be consistent.
- Remember that she's a little girl growing up in a world that's awfully big. Whatever we can do to make it a bit smaller will help.
- Give her lots of love.
May all your transitions be peaceful, and if you have any helpful hints on other ways to help a child transition, e-mail me at
support@afterschoolsnacks.com.
